There is absolutely no one to give me answers. I myself do not have answers. I have only likes, dislikes, fears, pleasures, etc. When I dislike night meetings at my job, I do not have traditional values of dedication and hard work to make me comply. But I do have a fear that I may lose my job. So it’s a conflict between dislike and fear. I do not think anybody can ever solve this conflict for me. There is no god I believe in to pacify me. There is no constant ambition that can prevent the dislike. There is no scripture I believe in that can provide me with values or rules to follow blindly. Neither are my fears high enough to cover up the dislike, nor is the dislike strong enough to discard the fear. I can see a remote hope in me that says I will be fearless at some point in the future. But I realize these hopes are just like beliefs with no reality. Tricks like comparing oneself against the world to find solace remain stories for me. So what am I left with? In this case, fear and dislike.
I do not know what the word “answer” means. A definitive selection between dislike and fear, in this case? Or being with the conflict? Or something else altogether that ends this conflict? Does anything like an answer exist? What if there is no such thing as an answer? Isn’t “answer” just a word? A word for my wish to be in a state where I am not pulled by the opposites of dislike and fear.It seems like I have a third feeling called displeasure, which is the state of choice between dislike and fear. Then the answer is that imaginary thing that takes away my displeasure—the one that nobody, including me, knows, and that may not even exist. It’s interesting that I am fine when either dislike or fear takes over completely. Displeasure exists only with choice, i.e., when fear and dislike are balanced. Does that mean I am fine when action is immediate, and the displeasure is in the gap between feeling and action? What is so special about that gap called choice?
[to be continued…]
Halculecti 